Thursday, April 01, 2010
Bristol Bay Salmon Plan Massive Suicide Protest
(Iliamna, AK) Insider sources within the piscatorial community recently revealed plans for a massive protest against the proposed Pebble Mine project within the Bristol Bay region of Alaska. The source, who for the sake of anonymity we shall refer to as "Hookjaw", and who is a member of a group known as the "Bristol Bay Reds" revealed a highly coordinated plan in which millions of Sockeye and other specie of salmonid plan to give their lives later this year. The mass suicide is intended as a means of protesting the possible fouling of their birth waters by what they refer to as the "Pebble Mine disaster."
Our insider further revealed that massive numbers of the fish are planning to gather off of the Alaska coast before starting the long journey upstream to the home of their youth. Once they have made the perilous trek past commercial fishing vessels, recreational anglers, grizzly bear, and other threats, their plan is to locate a member of the opposite sex for one last fling. The female salmon will then go about the business of laying their eggs while the males stand watch and skirmish among themselves and the region's massive rainbow trout (who hope to make a meal on the salmon's eggs).
Those who survive and complete their procreation will gather one last time and die together in what they hope the world will view as a huge show of solidarity for the cause of fish everywhere. "We will be giving our lives so that both our fry and the very lifestyle of the Bristol Bay region can continue to exist" said one participant. "We only hope that the land dwelling people will take notice and stop this before it all comes to an end."
A spokesperson for company behind the mining project said, "We hear rumors of this sort of thing every year." "While we sympathize with the effect this has on the land dwelling people of Bristol Bay, we really can't concern ourselves with the actions of a radical fringe group such as the Sockeye."